Earth Girls Are Easy
by Skymouth
Summary: [Spaced Invaders] Ten years later, Blaznee must save Kathy who’s been kidnapped by his government. Can he muster help from his old crew who’s been mothballed out of the fleet, wrestle with feelings he has for Kathy, and avoid going to jail at the same ti
1. Chapter 1

Earth Girls Are Easy

Part I

A Spaced Invaders Fanfic

By Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Spaced Invaders is owned by Patrick Read Johnson and Touchstone Pictures. I made no profit off of this fic. No characters were actually harmed in the making of this fic.

Summary: Spaced Invaders Ten years later, Blaznee must save Kathy who's been kidnapped by his government. Can he muster help from his old crew who's been mothballed out of the fleet, wrestle with feelings he has for Kathy, and avoid going to jail at the same time? (Blaznee/Kathy) language, sexual content

(Author's Note: I know I have other Fanfic I've been in the process of writing, but this plotbunny just begged to be written! I've always adored this movie… sticks out tongue, hey, it IS funny! So sit back, enjoy the angst! Guess who my fave character is in this film… heheheh…)

He slinked in through his door feeling tired and disheartened from yet another dreary day at work, but at least he was home. He checked his wrist chronometer and smiled briefly… he didn't even have to make the mental calculations anymore concerning time differences between the two planets. Then he hurried to toss his keys and sunglasses aside and went to grab one of his favorite fermented beverages from the cooling unit. He grabbed up his communicator and fell back into the nest of pillows on the floor to relax as he waited for the call he knew would come.

It was truly the brightest spot of his whole week of late, waiting for her call. The calls, at first, came hap-hazardly and they were originally for the tiny robot who'd turned out to be a surprising asset during that failure of a trip. But because of his wonky schedule back then, many calls were missed and well, Shortstuff wasn't that great a conversationalist in his opinion. Most times when they did come through he ended up being the one who chatted with her. Then they decided to set a scheduled chat… once a week when they'd both usually be free. At first, it mostly ran along the surface stuff, but over the years… jeeze, had ten years already gone by? He wondered as he quietly got himself drunk. But after a time, it seemed they'd peeled back the layers and had somehow gotten under each others skin. For him, that didn't happen with too many people. She told him things, personal, private things and he'd listen and sometimes, though rarely, he'd give advice, but he suspected all she really wanted at those times was an impartial shoulder to cry on. He gave her that shoulder and ten years later decided he didn't really need it back. It belonged to her.

The comm. Unit came to life, it's antenna springing up into the air, grabbing up the weak signal.

"Blaznee… you there?" Came the static ridden voice he knew too well.

"Of course I am, kid." He smiled.

"Don't call me kid." She chastised him. "You know I hate that."

"I'm only joking, hon, you know that." Blaznee sipped at his drink, knowing she wasn't really mad at him. "So… what's the news?"

He heard her groan. "Brian is off visiting family in Wisconsin and I'm by myself for the week. You're a pilot, couldn't you come and see me? I'd really like that."

She asked him to come visit her quite often and though he'd love to see her again, he was uncomfortable with the idea of showing his face on planet Earth any time soon.

"Hon," Blaznee said softly, "You know I can't. After the whole Earth fiasco, they confiscated my pilots license." Something he'd always thought was immensely unfair. It wasn't his fault their crappy ship wasn't built to withstand Earth's gravitational pressure. Now he was regulated to clerical duty and even though he was only in the Atomic Space Navy as a draftee and had not intended on making it a career like Giggy had, he was further punished by the ASN in his crew's failure to assist their dying fleet by getting more then a few years tacked onto his draft.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled, belatedly recalling that bit of info that was still a sore spot in Blaznee's side. "Hey, we finally got a new deputy."

He sensed she was trying to change the subject for his benefit, so he went along with it. "That's a relief. You know, I still have that ticket Pillsbury gave me on my wall and it's framed."

She giggled. "He's still here, you know. I don't know if he ever got the clue that you wont be paying that one off."

"I doubt there's any bank on your planet that would exchange a Martian ditherbant." Blaznee said, still amused at the whole thing.

Kathy paused and he took the time for a long gulp of his drink.

"I miss you." She said softly.

He didn't know if it was the drink or because he was talking to Kathy that made him feel light headed.

"We talk every week." He softly chided her and tried to ignore the flutter in his heart at those words.

He heard her sigh. "You know what I mean."

No, not really, he thought to himself. No, that was a lie, he just didn't want to think about what was really going on. "Kathy…"

"I know," she sounded unhappy, but that's how she sounded a bit too often lately. "Blaznee… I think I-"

"Kathy…" Blaznee stopped her, terrified of what she might say to him. Damn… his glass was empty. Concentrate on that, not on the fact that a girl of a completely different species a few hundred thousand miles away was most likely about to broadcast the feelings she had for him. "It wont work." It killed him to have to remind her of how impossible a close relationship between them would be under the current circumstances, but she had to already be aware of that, right? He wasn't being cruel, was he?

"But Blaznee…"

"Hon… if things weren't as they are…" He didn't feel brave enough to finish that sentence. He hated it. He hated that their people would make it impossible for either to be with the other. He hated the distance. He hated the fact that he hadn't seen her since that one night ten years ago. He hated the fact he was too chicken shit to tell her how he felt about her and to listen to her gush about how she felt about him. It all had to remain unspoken. If it wasn't said out loud, then it wasn't real. Then it couldn't hurt him or her. "Damn!" He flung his empty glass across the room and it shattered most satisfyingly.

"What was that?"

"Just me and my frustration coming head to head." Blaznee replied sadly.

"Have you ever had a close relationship with anyone?"

"Define close." Blaznee said.

"More then just a sexual fling… I mean… in love with someone."

"Oh…" Blaznee rubbed his temple and leaned forward in his empty nest. "Well… not exactly."

"What does that mean? Not exactly? Either you have or you haven't."

He stared across the room, knowing he couldn't lie to her. It sounded to him like she was fishing, but he hadn't the nerve to say 'yeah, and you're it'. So instead he took the lame way out. "I've… slept around… but… well…" He shrugged though no one was to see it. "… I'm not an easy guy to love."

"I don't know about that last part."

Blaznee closed his eyes and tried to keep himself from blurting his honest feelings for her. Damn drink was making it awfully hard though. "What about you?"

"I thought I was in love with this guy when I was going to school… Brandon. He turned out to be a jerk."

"Boys will be boys, after all." Blaznee opened his eyes again and imagined his fingers running through her long, blond hair. She'd said she'd kept it long. He shook his head to try to rid himself of the image. Since when had hair of any sort been a turn on for him? He wondered annoyed.

"You aren't a boy."

"I'm not even human, Kathy."

"Doesn't matter to me."

"Kathy…" There was a warning in his voice.

"Sorry." Came the meek reply and it ground that knife into his heart. "I hear my dad's car. I should go."

Blaznee sat up straight, disappointed, then slumped a bit. "Okay, hon. Damn… this sucks…"

"Yes… it does." She answered, then replied in a rush, "I love you."

She cut the communication off before he had a chance to gather his wits enough to reply to that. She'd broken the rule by saying it out loud. It was both terrifying and gratifying at the same time. He always had a feeling she did love him, she'd alluded to it enough, after all, but he'd never let her say it. Blaznee lay back in his nest of pillows and stared up at the ceiling, the comm. Unit fell from his slack hand as he mulled over the fact that the sheriff's daughter loved him.

"I love you too." He murmured to the empty room, feeling like he was almost in a dream state from the euphoria that sensation brought him.

Work the next day was impossible for him. His brain kept replaying those three luscious words in his head and he was thoroughly distracted from it. By the time he got home, he had a major hard on and took his time in curing that problem. He wished he had a current image of Kathy to look at, but he had to use his imagination instead. From what she'd told him, she'd gotten taller, much taller… which could prove interesting. Got hips, got breasts… he imagined planting his face very happily in between them. He had no idea what she looked like without any clothes on so he tried to be conservative on his guesses. He figured on smooth and delicate pale skin. He couldn't imagine that they'd have any need of any more hair below the neck so he pictured her hairless. The sweet spot, however, that was what he was most curious about. In Martian females it was between the legs so he assumed the same would be for humans. Were Earth females innies or outties? He wondered just how compatible their races were to each other. He'd almost gone to Dr Ziplock and asked if Martians and humans were compatible and if there could be any chance of cross species insemination, but he knew the doctor was too smart to know that was not just a shot in the dark and would raise embarrassing questions that he wasn't ready to answer.

When he lay there on his pillow nest panting after his excursion, he couldn't wipe the silly grin off his face. She loved him! Blaznee stared at the wall as if he were staring through the immense gulf that separated the two literal star-crossed lovers and wished he could see her again.

"I'm gonna tell her. This next time." He nodded resolutely. "I'm gonna tell her I love her. I'll find a way off this planet and go see her. That's what I'm gonna do."

The Martian pilot nodded his head and sighed a sigh of relief at the admonition. Would she squeal with delight at his declaration? Would she start to talk dirty into his ear, relating the fantasies she's had about him? Would he do the same to her? Blaznee shuddered at the pleasing thought. He wasn't going to get much rest this week, he knew until he told her his feelings for real. Damn him, he fumed, why'd he make her wait? He already had known it and frittered away all that time he could have been telling her just how much he loved her.

Angry at himself for being so cowardly, he jumped up from the pillows and went to take a shower.

"Never again will I make such a stupid ass mistake." He grumbled as he let the hot water flow over his sweating, green skin.

A week went by and found him lying back in the pillows, comm. Unit in hand while staring at it anxiously. He had to tell her! He worked himself up good to gravitate some courage into his freaked out heart. Blaznee was thoroughly pumped. He looked at his chronometer for the tenth time in as many seconds. Where was she?

His heart was thudding in his chest as he rehearsed in his mind over and over again just how he would tell her he loved her. Just as he became satisfied with one line, he'd toss it out and start over again.

The minutes ticked away.

Blaznee felt he couldn't take it. He stood up and started pacing the tiny rec room with the communicator in hand. She was late. He looked at the time again. Seventeen minutes late, dammit!

"I love you. I… love… you…" He started rehearsing out loud using different inflictions in his voice that wavered nervously. "You belong to me. My heart is yours… nah, that sounds just stupid… damn…"

He didn't stop pacing. Time ticked on and the communicator remained disturbingly quiet. An hour later, he was huddled in a corner, unit in hand, staring at it numbly. His heart now pounded out of grief. She didn't call. Where was she? Why didn't she call? Was she too afraid to talk to him now because she'd broadcasted her love of him and she thought he was mad at her? Had he screwed things up royally and chased her off? He was hunched over as he squatted there, comm. Unit held between his knees, staring at the thing and felt panicked. She was gone. He'd lost her all because he couldn't tell her he loved her!

He threw his head back and screamed. "GODDAMMIT!" And was tempted to hurl the silent comm. unit across the room. But instead, with a trembling finger he pressed the communication button in the center. It bleeped and the antenna shot up. "Kathy… it's Blaznee. You there? Please… if you are, pick up. I'm sorry! I'm an ass! Please, I need to talk to you…"

He waited for a reply with his heart in his throat. Nothing. Not a blip. He knew his message was getting through because the antenna wouldn't be jumping like that if they weren't sending out his signal.

The miserable Martian was shaking as he thought of the worst. That was it! He was going to steal a ship and get his ass over there and tell her! He'd do it tomorrow after they lifted the curfew on local air traffic. It didn't make him feel any better though. He secured the comm. Unit and grabbed up his billfold and keys and stormed out the door. He was going to go into the first bar he saw and get thoroughly trashed. It'd been a while since he'd gone on such a binge and at the moment, he couldn't think of a better reason in which to do such a thing.

The first bar he saw was seedier then what he'd usually attend, but he didn't care at the moment. Gruffly pushing against he doors, he barged past a patron that was heading out who cursed at him to watch where he was going. Blaznee turned a deaf ear and blind eye to all that was going on in the bar and made way for the counter.

"Three gribnot shots with a scribnack chaser for each." He declared and laid his coinage on the bar.

The bartender shot him a startled look. "Bit heavy for starters, huh bub?"

"I pay, you serve… that's how it frigging works." Blaznee's obvious irritation seemed to clear the stools on either side of him.

"You're funeral, buddy."

Blaznee snarled. "I'm NOT your buddy!" Even as the bartender poured his drinks, he downed the finished ones as fast as he could.

"Woah there, fellah. Just making small talk. Rough day at work?"

Blaznee wiped his mouth after he'd dribbled some alcohol down his chin. He urped and noted how suddenly all six glasses were empty. Did he do that or had he invited someone to go with him?

"If only it was work." He muttered, voice slurred and slammed more money on the counter. "Pathtack… frigging ice cold. No stinking lemon, 'kay?"

The bartender nodded and doled out the order. "Has to be about a woman. Only women troubles can get a guy as worked up as you are now." The Martian behind the counter observed, having heard it all before millions of times over from the various patrons.

Blaznee's head tilted, then nodded almost like his neck was broken. He stared at the now empty glass of the hard stuff he'd downed without even tasting it. "Why didn' I tell her I loved her? Now she's gone."

"Most women want to be chased, from what I've seen. If you don't chase after them when they play that game, they know you aren't serious."

The drunken pilot sluggishly lifted his head; sight blurred and tried to focus in on the barkeep. "You really think s-s-s-so?" He slurred, heart turned slightly to hopeful.

"Sure thing, pal." The bartender nodded sagely. "Go get her, if you really want her."

For the first time that night, Blaznee smiled and then nearly tipped over off his stool. He regained his balance and threw down some more money, plus a hefty tip. "One for th' road…" He drawled. "You pick…"

The bartender raised a brow but who was he to say when someone had enough? The drink appeared in front of the pilot who presently stared at it.

"Hey… Blaznee! That you?"

Blaznee turned in the direction the familiar voice came from. He couldn't focus on the room that rocked back and forth like a ship on a fierce solar wind. Then someone appeared suddenly on a stool beside him. He squinted and finally recognized the person.

"Pe-e-e-e-e-ez." He drawled drunkenly and shook his head, trying to clear it.

The ex-corporal cocked his head and smirked. "That IS you… but I've never seen you drunk before. Man, Giggy'd LOVE to hear this one!" And he snickered.

Blaznee frowned. "You still in contact with the old crew?"

Pez shrugged and ordered himself a drink, taking note of how many empties were covering the bar in front of the pilot. "Mostly just Giggywig. He's pretty ticked that he got kicked out of the ASN on a dishonorable discharge. He blames you."

Frowning, Pez was telling him stuff he already knew. There was no love lost between himself and the once gungho lieutenant. Scratch that, ex-lieutenant.

"How 'bout you?" Pez inquired as he sipped his beer.

"Dr Ziplock managed to keep some of his credentials and works out of the same… place I do. I run into him every now and then." Blaznee went to work on his final beverage though it was difficult to get the stuff down after having consumed so much in so short a time span.

"And Bipto… I don't see him at all, but I hear he's been knocked down to being a drill sergeant or something." Pez sighed as he lamented over their old crews fate.

When Blaznee finally managed to finish his drink, Pez had finished his own.

"Well…" the pilot stumbled off his chair and his feet fought to find footing on the rolling floor. "Been nice seein' ya'." He took a step and went down hard.

"Ow."

Pez stood over him and peered down inquiringly. "Need a hand home, moron?"

Blaznee blearily stared up at the twelve Pez's. "Um… yeah…"

The shorter Martian bent down and grabbed up Blaznee's hand, then grunting, hoisted the teetering pilot to a relatively vertical position. Blaznee leaned heavily on Pez who berated the pilot for getting so stumbling drunk.

"You're just lucky I arrived, you damn fool." Pez muttered and tried to keep his fellow Martian walking in a straight line.

"Lucky." Blaznee murmured unhappily. "If this is good luck then I don't want it."

Pez sensed that something was deeply troubling his one-time crewmate but didn't have the patience or the want to deal with it just then.

It took time to get Blaznee home. First, the drunken Martian had to recall where it was and after three mistaken near breaking and enterings, they finally found Blaznee's residence. Pez took the pilot's key from him and unlocked and opened the door. He shoved Blaznee who stumbled inside and stepped in himself.

Pez sat his keys down on the nearby table. "I'd take care of that before you go to bed else you're going to have a monster hangover tomorrow."

Blaznee realized Pez was right and he couldn't fly if he was hungover. He stumbled again and landed on his hands and knees.

"Uh, you gonna be alright?" Pez asked, brow raised as Blaznee crawled to the bathroom facilities unsteadily.

"Yeah, yeah." He grunted as he made his way. "Thanks, Pez."

Pez shrugged. "Well… I gotta go. See ya."

"See ya." Blaznee didn't see Pez leave, but heard the front door close as he made it to the toilet in time to hurl up everything he just drank.

The next morning, Blaznee had a killer headache and felt like vomiting some more. He felt positively wretched and lurched over to the bathroom to try to find something that'd make it go away.

He puked some more but all too soon got the dry heaves. Washing his face in the sink, he toweled off and then dug in his medicine cabinet for just the right pills. His stomach protested and he shivered at the unpleasant sensation as he downed the pills. Checking his chronometer once more, he guessed he had two hours to sober up before he'd make an attempt to get Kathy back. Meanwhile, he sat there on the floor of the lavatory feeling wretched from the loss of her and from having drunk too much.

It wasn't too long before the pills worked their magic and he was able to down a glass of water without wanting to hurl it back up. The damn pounding headache wouldn't go away though even if his stomach finally quieted. Then he realized it wasn't his head but someone was pounding at the door. He stumbled out of the bathroom and went and opened the door.

His brows shot up at his visitor.

"Pez?"

The shorter Martian handed him a flyer. Questioningly, Blaznee peered at it. A human was captured and between the fourth and thirteenth hours would be on display to the public on that day.

"Yeah, so?" Blaznee asked annoyed and handed the flyer back to Pez.

"I… think you should come down and see it…"

"I don't have time for this, Pez. Why should I care if some human was dumb enough to be captured by OUR forces? If you ask me, if they let one of us capture one of them, they frigging deserve all they get!"

Pez looked up at Blaznee and shuffled his feet. "You NEED to see this, Blaznee. I think they intend on killing it."

Blaznee stared down at Pez. "Since when were you the crusader, Pez?" He scoffed.

"Come ON!" Pez grabbed Blaznee's arm and dragged him out the door.

Swearing softly to himself, Blaznee yanked his arm back. "Okay, fine! Just 'cause you helped me out last night! Let me grab my keys first!" He grumbled as he went back and did so and locked his door. "I don't have time to go to the zoo today, Pez. I got something planned!"

Pez didn't say anything and led the way silently and looked very nervous. Blaznee walked after him feeling pissy and still feeling somewhat sick. The only thing on his mind was getting to Kathy. As they walked he tried to come up with a plan on how to steal a starship. Nothing was coming to mind though as all personal crafts had been confiscated after the Arcturun defeat and had been commandeered to be outfitted as emergency warships. He knew the ASN was desperate when they fitted a particle beam weapon and armored plating on a piece of crap Laibediq model family cruiser. They'd all be under tight security. How the hell was he supposed to get past that? He threw Pez a sideways glance and wondered if he could get the tiny Martian to help him out.

Finally, after taking the tediously long and over priced public transportation, they arrived at the display area that was really a big amphitheater for the arts. They stood in line and Blaznee was rather annoyed when he found out he had to pay for the viewing. The place was packed so they had to wait.

"Pez… this is just a waist of time."

"No it isn't."

"One look, then I'm outta here, got it?"

"Sure… sure…"

Blaznee stewed as they inched closer towards the center of the arena that was at the bottom of the bowl structure. There was a huge crowd of fellow Martians that surrounded what looked to be a cage one would hold a wild creature in within the center. Blaznee noted the bars and how small the cage was. Stupid human… he wasn't going to feel sorry for it, he didn't have time for that.

Finally they made it to the edge of the big crowd. There were two armed guards that slowly allowed people in, just as there were two armed guards on the other end slowly allowing people out to keep it from getting too crowded.

"Hey, I remember you from earlier. Here to have another look?" One guard said to Pez and snickered. "So, what do you think it is… a man or woman?"

Blaznee shot Pez an angry look. "You didn't say you already saw the thing! That's it, I'm outta here…"

But Pez grabbed Blaznee and wouldn't let go. "No you aren't! Come on!" Without releasing the irate pilot, he plowed into the melee of Martians. Elbowing his way up to the front, he had to shove several out of the way to make it.

"Frigging move out of the way!" Blaznee growled at the crushing bodies and began to shove too as he reluctantly moved forward.

Thoroughly ticked by the time they pushed their way through the crowd of gawkers, Blaznee shouldered himself a place in the front line and angrily stared into the cage.

His breath escaped him and he grabbed hold of Pez beside him tightly while keeping his gaze on the creature in the cage. "Dammit, Pez! Why the hell didn't you say!" He hissed as quietly as he could.

Standing on either side of the cage were two more guards, each carrying twice the menacing weaponry as the ones at the entrances and exits. But his eyes were for the Earthling and the Earthling alone. His heart pounded and he knew there was no mistake… even Pez had figured out it was her and he always said all Earthlings looked alike to him. She looked terrified and stood as far back in the cage as she could. Her eyes were wide and would scan the audience every now and then. His heart went out to her. He now understood the reason why he was stood up last night.

"I told you what I could…" Pez mumbled as he stared at her as well.

Blaznee wanted to run up and free her but he knew this was folly. Shitshitshit! What was he going to do? His Kathy was nervously scanning the room again and suddenly, his heart leapt when their eyes locked and he knew he saw recognition in them. She stared back at him with an amazed look in her eye. Kathy took a step forward, then another and Blaznee felt ready to flee… if she made it seem like they were acquaintances here, he'd be captured and withheld on the spot. Then he'd never be able to save her. He couldn't let that happen. He was prepared to melt back into the crowd when she seemed to gather her senses on her own and realized that picking him out of the crowd in that place would be a very bad idea. So instead, she turned and started to pace the cage like that was what she had planned to do all along.

"Damn, what are we gonna do?" Blaznee whispered agitatedly to Pez.

Pez shrugged helplessly. "Haven't the foggiest."

"We can't leave her there."

"What about what you said about the stupid human getting what they deserved?"

Blaznee glared at Pez. "That was BEFORE I knew you were talking about Kathy!"

"There are too many guards and too many Martians who would rather pay to see a human executed instead of rescued."

"I know that!" Blaznee hissed again feeling desperate.

A guard sauntered past and Blaznee waved him over.

"Yes?" The Martian quipped in a no nonsense manner like all the fun had been drilled out of his personality.

"Say, what's going to happen to this… thing?" Blaznee asked as he gestured over at Kathy, trying to play the part of bedazzled spectator.

The guard grunted. "Governmental study. We're thinking of invading Earth and we need to know our enemies, so it will be… processed in the usual manner."

"Processed?" Pez asked.

"Vivisection. A thorough tissue, organ, and DNA study. Now, I need you two to take a step back."

Blaznee felt sick all over again as he stared into the cage. He knew he couldn't pull off a rescue like this alone. He'd need the help of his old crew.

"Pez… would you be willing to muster up the entire crew and have them meet at my place? We have to make a plan."

Pez nodded.

"What the hell am I gonna do?" Blaznee muttered in futility.

He continued to stare at her, somewhat gratified that his imagination hadn't been that far off. She was very striking looking indeed and he cursed himself. Now was not the time to get an erection!

"Let's move the line along, folks!" The guards shouted over the noise of the continuously murmuring Martians.

Reluctantly, he took one last long stare and managed to catch her eyes once more. He gave her the barest smile and a slight nod and hoped she knew that he wouldn't just leave her there. They headed out, pressed against one another in the crowd that flowed from the amphitheater. Once outside, they moved to stand across the street to further themselves from the crowd that dispersed.

"She helped us escape, we have to return the favor." Blaznee said as his reason for such a risky venture. It wasn't any of their business to know he was hot to trot for her and she him.

"She knows we know she's here. I saw her recognize me from before, and again, just now, and you too." Pez said thoughtfully. "For a minute there I was afraid she'd blow our cover."

"She's too smart for that." Blaznee chastised him. "We'll have to somehow secure a transport. We can't have her walking the streets. Plus we have to get her the hell off this planet and back home."

Pez put his hands on his hips and cocked his head incredulously. "You remember her home vectors? After how long?"

Blaznee looked sheepish. "We've kept in regular contact. Remember the comm. Unit I gave her? Well… I consider her a good friend now." More then just a friend, he thought to himself.

Pez snorted. "Blaznee, you dog you."

"Shut up, Pez. It's none of your business."

"Ooo, touchy!" Pez grinned. "Don't tell me you two have been carrying on an affair after all this time!"

Blaznee stared daggers at Pez. "None of your business, I said!"

Pez chuckled. "Blaznee and a human… now I know the world is ending! You two got your bloodtests done yet?"

"Pez!" Blaznee shook a fist at the short Martian in warning, fully willing to pummel the ex-corporal into next week.

Pez knew he was hitting things pretty close to the mark from Blaznee's angry reaction. He always enjoyed picking on the usually cool as a cucumber pilot. It seemed like it had been forever since he'd last done so. Now when he slipped back into that mode, it felt nice and comfortable. He could feel the panic radiate from Blaznee and also enjoyed knowing the fact that he too could loose it under the right circumstances.

For a human, Pez thought Kathy wasn't that bad. She had helped them after all despite everything that had happened. At Blaznee's urging, he took off in search of the other two crew members at a run, knowing they didn't have much time before their government took Kathy apart in the name of science. Blaznee would scare up Dr Ziplock.

Blaznee headed home alone lost in dark thoughts. It's gonna be frigging impossible, he moped to himself.

To Be Continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Earth Girls Are Easy

Earth Girls Are Easy

Part II

A Spaced Invaders Fanfic

By Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Spaced Invaders is owned by Patrick Read Johnson and Touchstone Pictures. I made no profit off of this fic. No characters were actually harmed in the making of this fic.

Summary: Spaced Invaders Ten years later, Blaznee must save Kathy who's been kidnapped by his government. Can he muster help from his old crew who's been mothballed out of the fleet, wrestle with feelings he has for Kathy, and avoid going to jail at the same time? (Blaznee/Kathy) language, sexual content

Blaznee was still thinking dark thoughts when he turned on his corner. Home loomed ahead, and he still had no plan on how to help Kathy. Walking past an alley, he emitted a sharp yelp when he felt hands upon him from behind and himself dragged back into the shadows of the dirty alleyway. He turned quickly with fist upraised, ready to pummel his attacker.

"Blas-nee! It's me!" Quipped the familiar voice with that peculiar northern Olympus Mons regional accent, which can also curiously be mistaken for German. The good doctor had his hands up defensively to fend off the attack he saw coming.

The pilot exhaled slowly and lowered his fist. "Dr Ziplock, what are you doing here? Never mind, was going to call you anyway."

Ziplock looked nervous. "Blas-nee, I wouldn't go back to your apartment if I were you."

Blaznee eyed him suspiciously. "What's going on, Ziplock?"

"Look around the corner, carefully. You were about to blunder right into them…"

Blaznee's look was quizzical, but he did as his ex-crewmate suggested and peeked around the corner, using the trash receptacles as cover to peer over. The street looked like it normally did on first glance… except, only now that he had been alerted to the fact that he was looking for something peculiar, did he spy them. Four of them. Two Martian's who looked like ordinary citizens on the outside, but when they moved, it was clear they were special tactics. Two more were waiting in a transport parked just outside his apartment. Frowning, Blaznee crept back to Ziplock.

"What do they want with me?"

"They've been listening to your transmissions with Kathy for over five years now. I've seen the transcripts. They are of the opinion that you've screwed with their timetable in consorting with the enemy. Invading Earth wasn't supposed to be in the plans for another twenty-five years or so, time enough to build the fleet back up. Now they're thinking of pushing it up to seven."

"Consorting with the enemy?!" Blaznee replied enraged. "She saved our asses! And what do you mean, listening in!" He felt a little sick. Had they heard Kathy's declaration of love to him? Was that why they decided that she was the one to abduct? Was it his fault that she was in trouble?

"Did you really think that setting your comm. Unit's to the longest wavelength so it could reach Earth wouldn't go unnoticed?" Ziplock cocked his head, then shook it regrettably at Blaznee's numb looking expression. "Apparently not. Listen. I know that Kathy isn't the enemy, but our Imperial Majesty does and he has you blacklisted for treason."

"Treason!"

Ziplock shushed him. "Quieter! Blas-nee… once I saw the evidence, if I hadn't known the circumstances that came about before it, I'd think the same thing."

Blaznee was having trouble trying to grasp it all. He was being accused of treason! Just for talking with Kathy! "But they got our report of our landing that night! Didn't matter to them… they still demoted all of us… but that doesn't matter right now… dammit, Ziplock!" Blaznee seethed, hands balled back up into fists. "We can't leave her there! You know they're wrong!"

Ziplock shrugged. "Since when has that ever stopped our government before?"

"How do you KNOW all this?" Blaznee asked, suspicious once more.

"I was among the group of scientists selected to dissect the human. They felt I was qualified since I had actual contact with them before. I agreed. It was before I knew they had Kathy in mind."

Blaznee grabbed up Ziplock's collar and got into his face. "You bastard!"

"Blas-nee!" Ziplock tried to fend the irate pilot off. "I didn't have to come and warn you, you know!"

Trembling with impotent rage, Blaznee slowly released the doctor. "I can't believe this, you're gonna kill her, after all she's done…" he started to pace in front of Ziplock.

"I came to you because I don't want anything like that to happen to her." The doctor said quietly. Blaznee stopped pacing and stared into his fellow Martian's eyes. "I know how she feels about you and I suspect that you feel likewise. This… complicates things more then you know."

"What the hell does my love life have to do with a stupid invasion?" Blaznee growled, blushing fiercely that all of their private moments had been overheard.

"Humans will always be seen as inferior to Martians. We were building our first hyper drive engine when they discovered a cart goes behind the horse, not in front. It is how it's always been. You two cannot be together… not like that. It's unnatural."

Blaznee shook his fist close enough to Ziplock's face that the good doctor leaned back to avoid it. "What I do in my own spare time is MY business! Not yours, not the Emperor's! If I want to frigging consort with Kathy then, DAMMIT! I'm gonna consort! I'm going to do my damned best to help get her off this stupid planet and back home, now… are you going to help me or not?!"

"I would not have come if I was not going to help." Ziplock said in a way that was much like a reprimand. He batted Blaznee's hands off his person. "Do you have something in mind?"

Blaznee looked downcast and shuffled his feet. "Well, no. But I was going to have the gang meet at my place, then we could maybe discuss possible plans together. Pez went to get Giggywig and Bipto. But now it doesn't look like that's going to happen." Blaznee looked back over his shoulder in the direction of his apartment.

He was handed a set of keys and he stared down at them, then raised a brow as he looked up at the good doctor. "What are these to? Kathy's cell?" He asked hopefully.

"No. Keys to my place. I'll give you directions and you go wait there. I'll stay here and keep an eye out for Pez and the others and direct them to my place. We can hold the meeting there."

Blaznee was silent for a moment, then nodded and pocketed the keys. "All right."

Ziplock gave him directions and told him not to worry. Blaznee only looked at him incredulously for that. He took a step deeper into the alley, planning on going the long way around and turned back.

"Ziplock?"

The doctor who had taken to squatting behind the same trash receptacles he'd previously used glanced over. "Yes?"

"Thanks."

"Just go."

Blaznee turned back around and pelted down the alleyway. He cursed his government silently to himself the whole way to Ziplock's. How dare they poke their noses in his business! Telling him who he can love! The whole thing made his blood boil. They'd listened in! Kathy wasn't going to take too kindly to that. He debated on whether or not he should tell her that part. Later. He'd worry about all of that later. First thing was first and that was the problem of freeing Kathy.

This was definitely not the way he had hoped their second meeting would go. He'd had something a bit more private planned. A bit more… sensual. He was infuriated with his fellow Martians for treating her like an object. He slowed his pace down when he recalled how he told Pez he didn't have time to go to the zoo and he realized in his own knee-jerk reaction, if it had been anyone but Kathy… He was just as guilty. Damn. He lived on a whole planet full of egotists and he was one of them. It was the Martian way. They were brought up to believe they were superior in every way. Just look at the way they lived. Ships built with billions of cubic feet of wasted space. Massive structures to house themselves in when the tallest of them came nearly chest high to a human. Wasteful of precious resources; whenever they run their planet dry of some commodity, they steal it from another. He suspected water was the reason they would be invading Earth soon. The polar ice caps were shrinking considerably out of season. Most of the underground reservoirs built by their ancestors were quickly being depleted.

He'd never really thought of it before. Sure the government was regulating more and more of, well, everything. They had a set time they could use water and then whole blocks would be shut off. But he'd always suspected it was just the Emperor's way of keeping a sense of control. It was just how the government had always worked so none of it had seemed out of place. Sure it was infuriating but you learned to live with it. He'd just never really put two and two together before. Sure, some of it definitely was a control issue thing, but that directive was put in place to conserve what little they had.

Well, damn! Blaznee slowed to a walk as he suddenly felt slightly more enlightened. Why do they have to take everything? Why didn't the Emperor have the balls to ask another planet if they could share their resources? He had to laugh at that then when he himself couldn't even speak to Kathy about his feelings. Martian's weren't very good at asking for things. They usually just took what they wanted. He wondered if Kathy wanted him to take her.

No, he decided he didn't want his relationship with her to be a bad Martian stereotype. It was a one in a million happenstance. Martians and humans simply did not fall in love with each other. He supposed Dr. Ziplock was right in a perverse way, that what he and Kathy were doing was unnatural. But he didn't care.

Eventually he happened upon Ziplock's living quarters. Upon entering, he noted the sparse accommodations and realized a Martian like the good doctor was not into wasteful spending. Well, maybe there was some hope for them after all.

But it was hard to care about one thing when your mind is focused on another and Kathy was a firm fixture in his mind. He had never been much for politics anyway. Blaznee carefully peered out the window, taking care to not be seen. The street looked clear enough. Was that a real bum or another undercover agent? He slipped back away from the window and started to pace and plan.

He'd never smuggled anything off the planet before, so he wasn't quite sure how to go about it. Maybe they could somehow get a transport and cut out the innards of one of the seats and stash her in there? Maybe. He refused to dwell on the possibility that they might not be able to get Kathy out in the first place. He wondered how she was fairing. Were they feeding her? Did she have some privacy for doing certain things like going to the restroom? He doubted they'd offer her much in the way of personal dignity. He was going to work hard to make all this up to her. He was pretty sure that his fellows hadn't the foggiest on how to keep a human. It wasn't as if they were planning on holding her for long anyway. He'd forgotten to ask Ziplock just how long they'd had Kathy in their keeping. Had Kathy seen Ziplock? Yes, there were some important questions that the good doctor needed to answer when he got back.

He also wanted those damned transcripts! He felt violated by his government. Soon as he got his hands on those he'd destroy them. Treason! He fumed as he stalked back and forth. Demotion, humiliation, the capture of Kathy, and now treason! It was almost more then he could bear. Well, he'd show them a thing or two! He'd just go renegade is all! There were a few Martians out there who did not wish to be a part of the whole. He was sure with his talents that he would be welcomed. Granted, they were all banished to the moons, but they were at least free from government control… as well as aide.

Maybe he was just being too rash, his pace slowed.

Blaznee shook his head. He was going to have to worry all about that later. Kathy was all that should matter right then.

"I'm gonna get you out of there, Kathy. I promise!" The ex-pilot hissed to himself.

Just then the door opened and in walked Dr Ziplock with Bipto.

"Hello, Blaznee." Bipto said a little stiffly.

It was clear that some of the spirit had left his ex-captain after his own, personal humiliating demotion and Blaznee hated to admit it but he was sad to see it go. He needed it right now, for Kathy.

"Hey, Bipto." He sure could understand. He'd just been a pilot, it must have stung Bipto something fierce to lose his captaincy. "Thanks for coming. Did Ziplock fill you in?"

"A little. I'm to understand our diminutive human friend is now in dire circumstances?"

Blaznee nodded.

"I thought of some-thing on the way back over." Dr. Ziplock replied.

Blaznee's interest was immediately piqued.

"Well, I, as you know, am part of the discovery team-"

"DISCOVERY!" Blaznee scoffed at the mild name of the term.

Ziplock eyed him frowningly. "Yes… all science is pretty much a discovery, this is no different. AND it's what our government wishes us to call this sort of experiment."

"It's bullshit, is what it is!" Blaznee snarled but held still to listen.

"Anyway, there will be a time when I shall have moments where there are just a couple of team members with me. You see, no one will be allowed to be alone with her. But, if something should happen to my teammates…" Ziplock shrugged.

"Then we can maybe feign the need to relocate her after taking over their identities! Ziplock, that's great! You're going to need to get us in there, though. And we haven't heard from Giggy yet. What makes you think he'd agree to this?" He was suddenly sorry he'd sent Pez to find Giggywig. That particular Martian could blow it all for them in order to look good for his government.

Ziplock smiled thinly. "Just leave that up to me."

Blaznee looked at the doctor curiously but said nothing more about that.

"How will we get her off planet?" He asked.

Bipto spoke up. "I still have a few friends who work in the docks. I can see about persuading them to let us 'borrow' an off world transport… maybe. It's all about credentials now, Blaznee and Ziplock here is the only one with enough clout left to do much of anything."

"You know what you're risking if you all go ahead and help me with this?" Blaznee wanted to know.

"The government has done me no favors." Bipto snorted.

"I know." Ziplock said.

Blaznee nodded, relieved. Maybe they could actually get her out of there after all!

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Earth Girls Are Easy

Part III

A Spaced Invaders Fanfic

By Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Spaced Invaders is owned by Patrick Read Johnson and Touchstone Pictures. I made no profit off of this fic. No characters were actually harmed in the making of this fic.

Summary: [Spaced Invaders] Ten years later, Blaznee must save Kathy who's been kidnapped by his government. Can he muster help from his old crew who's been mothballed out of the fleet, wrestle with feelings he has for Kathy, and avoid going to jail at the same time? (Blaznee/Kathy) language, sexual content

Giggywig swaggered into Ziplock's quarters with Pez following meekly behind. He scanned the room, spied Blaznee, and walked strait over to him without a word. Blaznee frowned at the closed look on the Martian's face.

"Hey, Giggy…" He said out of common courtesy.

Then he felt a solid fist connect with his jaw and he staggered back in surprise.

"Owed you one." Giggywig stated and lowered his fist. He straightened his shoulders back. "What the hell am I doing here now?"

"Punching my lights out, apparently." Blaznee lightly rubbed his tender jaw where Giggywig's fist had met. The Martian had a potent punch. "Now that you got back at me, how would you like to get back at the government that took away your future?"

Giggywig stared him down with a cold gaze. "What are you playing at, Blaznee? Pez wouldn't tell me anything and kept looking over his shoulder as if he was playing some great spy game or something and here you are having delusions of grandeur. Color me unimpressed."

"We need you to agree to help us before we give you any of the details." Blaznee said unfazed. He was used to Giggy's mannerisms by now.

Giggy snorted and glanced over at Ziplock who nodded.

Ziplock said, "You owe someone else a favor too, if I recall correctly."

Blaznee shot Ziplock a look. If the good doctor said too much and Giggywig decided to not help them out, he could very well go to the government and turn them all in.

The look on Giggy's face was unkind. "What would you know of my business, Ziplock? Someone tell me what's going on or I'm leaving!"

"We need your help, Giggy." Blaznee said flatly.

Giggy sneered. "YOU? Don't make me laugh!"

"Giggywig," Ziplock tried to reason with him, "it's a matter of life and death. Truly."

"If it's HIS life…" Giggywig jabbed a finger in Blaznee's direction, "… then count me out! I don't give a damn!"

"You're going to hold me responsible for a badly thought out decision YOU made for the rest of your life?" Blaznee said feeling a hint of anger at Giggywig's hard headedness.

"I didn't crash land the bloody ship!" Giggy shouted.

"I told you going to Earth was a bad idea but you didn't listen! None of you did!" Blaznee said in defense.

Ziplock stepped in between the two arguing ex-shipmates. "Now, now, this is not helping matters at all. Giggywig, either agree to help us out here, or leave. I would prefer it if you stayed because we do need your help. However, we are working on a tight schedule here and can't afford to waste it bickering pointlessly. What say you?" The good doctor asked expecting an answer.

Blaznee crossed his arms over his barrel chest and glared down Giggywig who glared right back. A few tense moments passed before Giggy finally nodded his head in silent acquiescence.

Ziplock heaved a sigh of relief. "Now, thank you, Giggywig. There is a very good reason why we need your help." Dr Ziplock filled Giggywig in on just what was going on. His eyes narrowed and he glanced over at Blaznee when the transcript was mentioned. Blaznee did not say anything.

Great, Blaznee had thought to himself. Now all his shipmates knew of his relationship with Kathy!

Giggywig had not been expecting anything like what he'd heard.

"We're all going to be tried for treason if we get caught." He finally said.

Ziplock nodded. "I'm afraid so."

"Can't be any worse then what we have going for us now." Pez said quietly.

"I'll second that." Bipto readily agreed.

"Then we just have to make sure we don't get caught." Giggywig decided he needed to sit down and found a comfortable spot on a chair nearby. "How will we do this exactly?"

"Blas-nee and Pez will be going in as my assistants when I check up on Kathy." Ziplock replied almost nonchalantly, as if he'd planned kidnappings all the live long day. "We move her to another wing under some pretense that the place she is currently held is contaminated and our testing would become tainted if she is kept there. You and Bipto would have our transport waiting for us and we escape back to Earth. It's that easy."

"Out of a government facility… just like that?" Giggy was incredulous and had a bad feeling about the whole idea. "I don't like it. How are Blaznee and Pez supposed to get security badges? How's Bipto and I supposed to acquire this transport? Where the heck are we supposed to meet you… at the front door?"

"Um… I see your point." Dr Ziplock hadn't ironed all the kinks out of the plan as it had just been pondered on for less then an hour.

"Since when were you ever the one to plan things in advance?" Blaznee skeptically looked Giggy's way.

"Since my freedom is on the line… numbnuts." Giggywig growled back.

Blaznee bristled at the needless insult.

"I can get the transport." Bipto said mildly amused at the repartee between his two one time underlings. He actually missed it all. "Giggywig, you'll have to be the muscle, however."

Giggy nodded and for once refrained from a snide comment.

"Pez, you and me are gonna have to subdue Ziplock's assigned assistants. You up to a little subterfuge?" Blaznee asked the smallest of the group.

"You know I am!" Pez said brightly as he was always eager at getting the chance to knock some heads.

Blaznee raised a brow at the unabashed enthusiasm of his cohort. "Okay. Ziplock, just how heavy is the guard where Kathy's secured? How good a fake badge will we need? Miss a meal for a day good or take a whole paycheck kind of good?"

"I have some… contacts that can get us superior fake badges on the black market for cheap."

Blaznee wasn't expecting that out of Bipto. "You?"

Bipto looked sheepish. "Well, right after our demotion, I had to make a bit of extra money somehow and fencing seemed the quickest way."

Blaznee shook his head mystified that ole Bipto had been forced to stoop to such measures when he usually was rather straight laced.

"So that takes care of some of our plan." Blaznee couldn't help but feel some relief that a solid plan seemed to finally be forming even after all of his despair. "But we still have to get her out. Ziplock, do you think you could con them into letting us move her to another facility altogether?"

Ziplock looked thoughtful. "Perhaps, Blas-nee."

"Ziplock, I don't suppose you could get some sort of message to her without anyone the wiser?" Blaznee didn't want her to think that she was going to be left behind and without hope.

"I don't know if it'd be wise to risk it." Ziplock's voice had a warning edge to it. "But I'm scheduled to perform the preliminary tests on her tomorrow. I'll see what I can do. Remember, there's always going to be someone watching me while I'm with her."

Blaznee nodded, forcing himself to be satisfied with that. "How much time do we have until…" He was reluctant to venture more then that.

"Two days. We must work fast and get everything in order." The good doctor said.

*****

When she had been scanning the alien bodies for a familiar face, the last Martian Kathy had expected to see was Pez. He had been the smallest of all the gawkers and his high pitched quarrelsome voice had also helped in her identifying him amongst the sea of green. When their eyes met it was clear to her that he recognized her as well. There had been an almost comical amazed expression on his face which actually went rather well with the other spectators who'd never seen a human up close. He hadn't stayed long, to her utter disappointment. Of course, the guards were busy keeping the ogling aliens from staying too long, after all, others had to have a chance to stare at her.

Her stomach growled. They hadn't fed her anything since she'd arrived. They'd at least have given her water upon her arrival. The flight had been long and cramped. While the cage she was in now had considerable more leg room then her previous one, it was still a cage and offered sparse comfort. She wondered why she was there and how long they intended to incarcerate her.

How she had wanted so badly to speak to Pez! But once he'd gotten over his shock he'd disappeared back into the throng and she quickly lost sight of the diminutive one. Feeling a little scared and a lot of hopelessness, she pressed up against the bars on the furthest side of the cage and stood there feeling disgusted with the aliens staring at her as if she were some sort of freak. But she guessed she was really the alien in such a place for once.

Then she saw him. He looked exactly the way she remembered him, dashingly handsome in that pilots outfit of his and sun glasses. She saw his brows shoot up and she knew he knew her. How she had wanted to run to him at that moment, but something told her it would not be wise so she began to pace the cell like a wild animal. She'd quickly glance Blaznee's way every few feet or so and could see him arguing in hushed tones with Pez who undoubtedly brought him so he could see her for himself. They stayed a little longer then Pez's last visit. She felt heartened now that Blaznee knew she was there and in obvious trouble. He held her gaze for a long moment as if trying to tell her something and then dragged Pez away. She felt a little panicked when he had left. She stood there numbly and hoped that Blaznee would come back for her somehow. Would he? After all it was she who had stupidly blurted out her true feelings to him the night before. She had no idea how he had felt about that. Had she ruined things between them because of it?

She leaned up against the back of the bars once again and slid down to the ground, head hanging as she thought of Blaznee. Doubt of any kind of deliverance assailed her now.

To be continued…


End file.
